To my bitches.... and my hoes

My blog title is the toast I had wanted to use this weekend while toasting something, but alas, it went unused. It even involves looking at two people (whoever was to be present during said toast) while I say the words "bitches" and "hoes" for an effect. I'm not sure what effect the toast would have received, but in hindsight it's just good to know that I had a toast prepared if necessary. And it was more appropriate than my usual "To Nazis" toast.

By way of explanation, the toast "To Nazis" has never, and will never, be actually related to the fascist regime it shares it's nomenclature with. It's a long story, with an end result that I used that toast and the expressions on faces were priceless. Some people even put their glasses down like I'd said "To eating babies" or "To belly button lint in your sandwich". But I know at least 2 people that will happily raise their glass and toast "To Nazis", so the horror on everyone else's face is the price we will have to pay.

Wow, that was rambling and nonsensical, and ate up the better portion of my blog-writing time in the break room. So here's what's been happening since the last episode:

Elora, the pixie-sprite I gave birth to, turned 4 on 1/19. We decided to take her to The Reef, and indoor waterpark between Billings and Laurel. We had taken her once before, right before Colter was born, and she really had a good time. My friend Morgan helped organize the whole party, and we had some some friends and cousins make it to the little shindig we had there.

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Birthday girl after her big day

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Daddy and Colter B, eating some 'za

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Morgan showing Elora her Tinkerbell cake

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Elora's birthday cake. Pretty cool, thanks to Sabra for doing it

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The cutest of her cute new birthday outfits (at least the ones her parents bought her)

Tangent: I have 4 different kinds of Indian seasoning that I got for my birthday/Christmas present. Among them is one called Balti, which I adore pronouncing with my best Bollywood accent. I will freely admit that I love the inflection of Indian accents, as well as the movies with all the dancing. We do a Bollywood style dance in Zumba, and it is pretty much the happiest part of each workout for me.

I got the above gift when I finally made my first strike-out-on-my-own attempt since heaving a second little Swan from my womb in 2009. It was an overnight, and I'm probably a masochist because instead of going somewhere where I could just sit and be still and silent and childless, I opted to go see my friend Adrienne and hang out with her and her twins for 24 hours. We used her birthday/Christmas present to create a feast. A feast the likes of which Colstrip has likely never seen. A feast that included it's own homemade flatbread and a large cache of fresh cilantro.

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She's on the phone with her husband.

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We decided to do shit up right and put every spare bracelet she had in the place on me.



We invited over a couple chicks and played Just Dance 2 for a few hours. It was a delightful time, filled with wine, Indian food, a lot of laughter, and some old-fashioned booty shaking.

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We progressively got a little sillier as the night went on

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This is by far my favorite picture of the evening.

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I coax smiles out of babies like a pro. Avery agrees.

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Reese agrees with her sister.

And now for a few pictures of my own babies, from just this morning. They are just adorable little placenta treasures.

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Serious bed head

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Early mornings are filled with blank stares

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Piggy!

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Pudding face.

I meet with my plastic surgeon later this week to consult on my breast reduction. The doctor at my clinic at work used the term "slam dunk" when I asked him about preauthorization, so I'm fairly confident that the pictures that will be sent to people at my work for them to preauthorize my reduction will be well worth the potential awkwardness of knowing people at work have seen my boobs. My old boobs.

Next month Thad catches up to me and joins his 30s, and we are taking a weekend off to go to Chico Hot Springs with some friends. Rent a cabin, sans children, and spend a couple days soaking and drinking in a pool. Couple that with a dinner out on the town and being with good friends and I think we'll be having a solid gold weekend.

Now, it's off to bed with me. This was a loooooong blog to write, and was constructed over the course of two days. It's rambling, incoherent, and smells like it's hungover. I wouldn't believe a work coming out of my fingers if you've gotten this far. Good night@

Welcome to the future of La Madre Loca

I'm typing this via my new phone. I've taken the plunge and purchased a smart phone. This means I should become hella more organized,right? I will admit that the new phone is going to make my menu planning a little bit easier now that I can use Ziplist whenever I need to, and Thad and I both use their app so we can have the most up to date grocery list whenever one of us goes to the store. Plus you can add recipes and create your list from those recipes.

Anyways, that's my plug for Ziplist. I am now going to learn more about using this little device. I'm pretty much one of Google's bitches but now I can access all that info away from my laptop. Google docs, calendar, reader, all accessible via my phone. Allow me to bask in the glow of my newfound efficiency.

BOOBS!

Holy buckets, 2011 is already starting out to be a pretty great year. I have already discussed when I can get a breast reduction with my employer, and I'm going to start the process and hopefully get scheduled for my consultation with the plastic surgeon soon. My hope is to get the surgery done in April, and then hopefully by this summer I'll be pretty much healed and recovered.

The joy... the ELATION... I feel is tantamount to finding out I'm going to win the lottery. The short list of things that make this amazing would be:

1. No more BACK PAIN. My back hurts when I sit, when I stand, when I lay down, no matter what I'm doing my back hurts. When I actively improve my posture it doesn't make an iota of difference. Stretching my neck and shoulders is like trying to chisel concrete. The massage therapist I saw in December said she could devote two hours to my back and that would barely crack the surface of what is going on back there.
2. Buying bras OFF THE RACK. Do you think the average woman has to spend at least 40 dollars on a bra? No, she can go to Walmart, Target, Ross, really anywhere with a bra rack and get a bra in any color shape and (normal) size. I have to go to a special store to get fitted with bras because my boobs are a..... wait for it...... G cup. The 2 bras in my actual size that I wear regularly are still nursing bras from when I had Colter. Let's just say my other bra isn't my size, but it keeps my boobies up by my shoulders where I want them.
3. Wearing tops with DESIGNATED BOOBIE AREAS. Summer time is the worst time for big boobs. In addition to the boob sweat (dear lord, the boob sweat is horrible in and of itself, but I didn't want boob sweat to be on my list of reasons that I'm excited) you are also cursed with the inability to buy most normal tops at the above mentioned stores that are designed for smaller busts. Most tank tops have a little area the boobs are supposed to stay within. Mine always stray.
4. Exercising won't be a session of TRYING TO AVOID A BLACK EYE. I love Zumba, LOVE IT, but I find myself watching my reflection and seeing these two giant fun bags competing with my sweet dance moves for attention. I have to wear a sports bra with about 30 clasps going up the front that pushes my boobs against forming a layer of body armor. Forget regular sports bras, those would be like trying to use a bungee cord to tow a car.

I didn't make any real "resolutions" for this year. After making it out alive last year, and finding myself in a better career fit than I thought I would get, I was just looking forward to 2011 being the year I finally got this boob situation handled. But I have decided to make one small resolution this year, so here goes.

I haven't had more than one actual party at my house since we moved in over a year ago. I've been pondering why I'm so reticent on entertaining here, and some of it boils down to kids. My kids are like spider monkeys around strangers and crowds, and introducing strangers and a crowd into my house is about as appealing as having pongee sticks inserted under my finger nails one by one. They will cling and whine and neither of those things is very appealing. I've also been realizing that I am a fickle mistress when it comes to decision making. I make decisions on my own every day, but the only ones I don't have a problem with are the ones that I know I won't get told that I made the WRONG decision on.

So my goals for 2011 are going to be to have a bon voyage party for my boobs. I'm going to work with my friend Morgan on acquiring some better hostess/party planning skills and I'm going to plan to get my kids out of the house and try to have some fun. Of course I'm not referring to a party like in the days of old-Mary, god willing I don't puke up strawberry shortcake into my sink during any of my parties in 2011, but I sure as hell plan to give Goopy Paltrow a run for her money in the DO department.

So here is to 2011, smaller boobs, maybe some parties, and some alone time for the parents in my little household. Thad turns the big 3-0 next month with another friend of ours, and we've got a little getaway plan in the works. Bring on spring, bring on the summer and camping and friends and fun. I am so excited I could just spit!

New Years Ponderings

In the natural sequence of things, Christmas came and went, and along with it New Years as well. We are now no longer poised on the edge of 2011, we're already 3 days in. Here is a recap:

• Christmas was great, we spent it quietly at home, just the kids and Thad and I, with a visit from my brother in law, sister in law, and niece. The kids got beaucoup presents, and I got a fabulous red enameled dutch oven and a metal handle for it.
• My mom came and stayed the week after Christmas while our daycare was closed. I don't know how the woman puts up with me at times, as she noted on a little notepad before she departed, "Mary Rose, I love you even when you're bitchy".
• I got to see some very great friends that I only get to see once a year anymore. My friends Jen and Rick came and spent Christmas Eve Eve with us, along with our mutual pal Laura, and we had a wonderful time catching up over Tom & Jerry's and psuedo-Four Lokos. These are our Portland pals and I love and miss them very much.
• We also got to see our friend Brian from LA. Brian and I go way back to Red Lobster in the summer of 2001, but we have taken very different paths since we were both hosting that summer. Brian is a very brilliant guy working for a huge aerospace company in California, and he is now a big-wig over yonder. He got to witness my brother and husband trying to make the other puke by eating bar fare like pickled eggs, sausages, and gizzards. Neither one of them puked, but my brother makes faces like a little bitch when he eats something disgusting. BOO YAH, JOHN.
• New Years Eve was pretty uneventful. We made plans to go to dinner with a couple other couples, and those plans fell through spectacularly, so Thad and I went alone, then went to my former coworker Matt's house. Let the record show: I insisted on going home at 11:30 so we could maybe be with our kids at midnight, and neither of those kids were awake, or even wakeable, when we got home. Am I glad I went home early: HELLS YES. Because staying out until the bars close, while it's definitely doable, is not what I consider a good time anymore.
• The rest of the weekend was devoted to doing laundry (which was nearly all done, hooray!), dishes on top of dishes on top of dishes, cleaning, and playing.

Kid Update 2011:
Colter should, GOD WILLING, have most of his teeth in soon. He got an ear infection a couple weeks before Christmas and has been fighting more of one off since right after Christmas. The kid is a trooper, and I just want him to be his happy little pooper self again.

Elora had a lot of fun with her Auntie Tona last week while my mom was up, although whether Tona had much fun is debatable. I forget that when you're 10 you have very different ideas about fun than a nearly 4-year-old has. HOLY BIRTHDAY, BATMAN, Elora will be 4 in 16 days! I just got a wonderful offer of help planning her party, so I'm totally taking advantage of that offer as I type this!

Well, that's all the news that's fit to print on 1/3/11. I hope everyone had a marvelous holiday season, and is ready for a fabulous 2011!!!