Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Learning to let go and let God

I was a child raised with the twelve steps. Both my parents are in recovery, and so I may not have a complete understanding of the twelve steps but I do have some of the language embedded in my brain. So much of the twelve steps is wrapped up in a higher power, and I've really been pondering my higher power. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a skeptic. I'm an evolutionist, so the concepts of God being behind the creation of Earth and that everything is part of his plan are sometimes difficult for me to rationalize. But no matter what, I've never not believed in God. I've questioned, but I've never been deterred from the belief that is something out there, and I've also liked to believe that the God I believe in is way cooler than the God touted my any religion.

So I guess I need to either create my own religion, like a skeptic's Catholicism, with equal shout outs to all the unique creators in every religion. That way we give Jesus some equal play along with other prophets and deities, give it all some balance and a much more general purpose. This religions one commandment would be that of our two greatest prophets: Bill S Preston, Esq., and Ted "Theodore" Logan. "Be Excellent to One Another".

The brilliance lies in it's simplicity. But until I decide to get off my ass and start this religion, which would welcome everyone, I guess I should try out some of the established churches and decide if any of them actually suit me and my high falutin' expectations.

This reflection on the state of my spirituality has been the result of "the termination". It's been hard at times to understand how something so avoidable may have actually been exactly what needed to happen for me to open my eyes to what was going on in my life. The past 8 weeks have allowed for me to spend a lot of time with my children. Now, if you are one of the people that I interact with in the real world, you may have heard complaints about this. It's the nature of the proverbial beast to want what we don't have (a job) and take for granted what we do have (time with our children) until it is too late. I've been trying to make this time off a lot more about them. What do they need from me right now?

Elora has definitely entered the three year old stage that allows for wanton abuse of the meager amount of power she is given. But she is also polite, spunky, musical, and at times she is a little caregiver, hovering over her brother protectively and making sure I'm aware anytime he is amiss. With Elora I need to step back from my initial reactions to control and to govern with a despotic hold. My daily affirmation for helping my daughter grow into an empowered and thoughtful little girl is "Think before reacting, and remain rational".

Colter is sitting himself up now, sitting alongside his sister and playing, banging things together and talking all the while. He is very sweet, but is turning into quite a little bruiser and getting long and heavy. He is learning so much from his sister every day, and has now started cooing high pitched frequencies in varying tones, as though he's singing. My daily affirmation for continuing to soak in and enjoy this period before he becomes a little boy is "Slow down and snuggle".

I've had a 2nd interview with a potential employer, which I thought went really well. I'd love the job, getting back into a call center setting and starting at a grass roots level, learning a new industry. It also offers weekends off, and that is such an appealing idea in and of itself. We have a lot of camping to catch up on for the last few years, and I can't wait to begin pulling in an income again.

So, this post has been 9 days in the making, and I have thoughts on another subject I'd like to start a draft on, so there will be more to come. Stay tuned!